you ever realize that you're a horrible person?

because i do every single fucking day of my life

hi, look at me using an impulse ADHD project website thing to expose myself.

anyways i literally hope i ruin your perception of me because i literally do not deserve anything. i don't deserve any ounce of kindness or respect at all. i am a horrible, horrible piece of shit.

how the fuck do you stay depressed from late august 2022 and here i am a year later and im 4 days clean from self harm again. im in the same fucking stop despite all my effort to heal and recover and thrive. so clearly there's something that's just wrong with me and it can't be fixed at all. it's fine though because you know what? people just don't care anymore. it's part of my personality now and who i am as a person. i remember all the love and suppport (that i didn't deserve) that i recieved like a year ago. now? it doesn't matter until i actually attempt to off myself. but that's probably because there's something wrong with me as a human being. that leads nobody to like me. i see countless things about how if "everyone leaves you" then maybe you're the problem and they're damn right. i am the problem. i am the biggest fucking problem that ever lived and who the fucked allowed me to live for 18 years.

im not even going to explain my sob story because that would just make me a hypocrite. oh who am i kidding. i already am a huge fucking hypocrite.

i have someone i really care about in my life. probably as much as i care about takara.

and this is where i realize im an extremely fucked up person

because i cannot fucking treat this friend of mine like a friend. you know nate was fucking right. i don't treat anyone as my friend i just treat them as my therapist. this is why i don't have any irl friends is because i will literally fuck everything up. actually all of what nate said was right. you should apologize to him. he was only speaking the truth.

anyways, i do really care about this person, if you can even believe that!! since i clearly don't care about anyone and like how i'll explain later im a manipulative piece ofshit. you probably do know who this person is because im not exactly subtle about it. they are literally my best friend

and how horrible i am to them. i am so, so horrible. i disgust myself. im incredibly toxic. i take everything personally so person can't even set boundaries like in a healthy friendship. im a fucking attention whore and if i feel like im being forgotten about i will literally flip out. i will flip out if im being replaced. im like controlling. obviously i shouldn't be the main focus all the time. of course not. i constantly make them feel bad about themselves because they'll say a harmless statement and i'll get upset when i really shouldn't. god im so self-centered. obviously i don't need to be a priority. but if i don't feel prioritized, i flip out. if i feel excluded i'll flip out. god i should just let him talk to his other friends so he realizes what a fucked up person im being. also! im manipulating him into changing what he says and does for me so it's "in my best interests". he can't make certain jokes because of me, he has to constantly walk on eggshells for what he says. blah blah blah.

im just like my mother in that sense. i have to be careful for what i say in case she gets mad at me. im just like my horrible, narcissitic, piece of shit mother.

i don't even want to bother with the "oh these behaviors are caused by childhood trauma and abandonment trauma and yadayadayada." no. no more excuses. im literally a piece of shit.

and honestly? who would miss me? i know how replacable i am. i inflate my ego by telling myself that i have close and meaningful bonds with people and people would be sad but lets be real here. no one would. literally nobody. what purpose to i serve, providing things to others? yeah. that's not what i want in life but at this point i don't deserve anything i want. i know everyone will be joking around and back to normal in 48 hours anyways. making jokes about sex and all the stuff you can't say around me. and i'll get replaced. it's fine though because at this point im only hurting myself by trying to convince myself that maybe it'll be okay in the end, but it wont.

do with the link below as you will.